I Can't Even,

Figure out if you want to sneak up in front of me and strangle me, why should I trust someone sincerely wants to help?

When you feel like the kid of Travers and Poe,

You end up with characteristics of both sides, and then along with that the self-doubt that comes from comparing one self to an esteemed children's writer and an esteemed poet.

And yet I wasn't a kid of either, I was a kid of nobodies. Very abusive narcissistic nobodies.

But room mate was saying a lot of the important point in my autobiography match up with P.L. Travers.

I guess that's the literary equivalent of taking after your moms side.

But the source of a lot of self-doubt.

For Those Who Want To Help

Please keep in mind the last people that wanted to help me did in such a way as to deliberately induce a mental breakdown.

Maybe if I got to know you a little more, maybe know you wouldn't do that, maybe I could trust a bit more.

But keep in mind I never feel good, every day I'm a hair's breath away from another suicide attempt.

This will be the case till I get professional treatment.

Please handle with care.

Hemato Tomato Expanded

Hemato Tomato has been expanded yet again. Now to included a couple of more chapters. Eventually when I get into the swing of writing again, I'm going to work on the middle grade section portion called--Hemato Wants To Help.


This is about the era of Hemato's heel face turn, and becoming more open to helping girls avoid their untimely doing without necessarily rescuing them self.

Yes I can like decapitation and be a god damn human being.

FF7 Remake

Anyone who knows me as a novella writer, knows a great deal about my writing knows from all the way when I wrote Blood Of Katolinio FF7 was this really big influence of mine. Except insofar as the Aerith death scene, I think that along with like the Lucy death scene were one of the things in the history of Japanese things that sincerely made me sob.


I'm not including Now And Then Here And There, cause honestly if you don't cry from that--you're not a god damn human being. Even my borderline sexually manipulative high school bed mate--cried after watching Now And Then Here And There.

My dad tells me I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not like I don't now, but do to various sex abuse I experienced growing up it makes it really difficult forming attachments to others.

But anyway awkward conversation aside, me and a room mate were discussion we are sincerely hoping FF7 doesn't mess up the trans woman thing about the lady named Big Bro.

Yea something you didn't know about me, that's kind of why you shouldn't judge everyone who has a kink for decapitation by guillotine.

So I found,

This one girl that wrote the book Alsace, I suppose time will tell if she is also interested in French crime. She is however French, so I'm not betting on any kind of friendship. I'm not French, if you didn't notice.

My experience is that French women can't make the distinction between "liking stories about a case" and "like the murders in that case." I'm not sure if that's because English is that language, or they also can't make the distinction culturally between hating the government and the people--which historical haven't been exactly liberal death penalty wise.

I know I'm judging a lot, but when have experiences like I have, you tend to feel justified in those judgments.

No More Twitter Chats

I think I'm stomping my boot down on this one. The last people who ran the previous chat function on twitter about New Adults, was mean as fucking getting out. I think it was that function why I joined wattpad to begin with.

These days I don't pick chat events to participate in lightly. I refuse to participate in further chats where I don't get a modicum of respect. That includes making the distinction between me saying "I like stories about this topic" and thinking I'm saying "I like thing in this topic."

Twitter in particular seems to be infested with people that have everything to gain about making me look bad, so I'm going to say--no. I am ending this once and for all.

For further chat functions, please talk to the hand.

I'm not going to justify my own existence anymore.

Let me qualify again,

I have no issue with French girls as a whole, I have issues with the country of France. This can be very different things.

One guy helped ban the death penalty in 1981, while the country as a whole kept the guillotine until 1981.

Individually, I'd dote on you like you were an age of consent age baby sister. OK that sounded awkward.

There was a post,

By someone in the Wattpad communities section about the topic of crushing. Sure I've had high school crushes, but I also knew I literally had ... no ... chance ... with anyone. After a while you get used to this, you start to forget about real people.

Obviously a per-conditional for borderline "porn addiction." A term I here more often than not crazy Christian fundies use. But I no longer dream of courting non digital or historical girls.

They aren't a blip on my radar.

Also Case is a pretty cool dude. Not the best person, but cool considering the Neuromancer circumstances. (Not really any good guys. ... Kind of like our world really.)

When you go through your whole life essentially with your whole existence betraying you, you no longer want non-digital girls. The worst is people like this one person on twitter that seeks to prescribe "boy boyism."

They went wrong by calling me a male.

Let me be completely lesbian to you. I reject French girls because most of the time in my experience, they confuse criticism of them and criticism of their government. This is literally worse than the neo conservatism of the United States.

You might be difference, but it doesn't change what I went through. You can't take that away.

And then,

We all die alone at the end, with ringing in the ears.

Kinks

Nothing like a good college girl bending over for a old fashioned paddling in the dean's office wearing Birkenstock clogs.

I love paddles and clogs.

Sex Isn't About Love

Sex has never indicated anything about love. Although in my case I do refuse in general to fuck girls who I don't personally love, but that's cause I'm not a heart breaker.

But yes if I were, I'd totally have a French girl blow my lady cock until I eventually have sexual reassignment surgery. In which case it will be switched to using a dildo or licking my bean.

But as we all know that's also very bad for the mental health of a girl, and in some cases even guys. You don't just ask for a blowjobs, expect not to give her head. And then just exit her apartment.

Sex is a commitment, and usually for me assumes I do love you. That's why I haven't had sex of my own accord yet.

I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to anyone. Fucking a girl without caring for their mental health is just douche.

I wouldn't even pay for a prostitute, that money is going back through tax dollars into an institution that had decapitated women in the 1800s. Why would I want to support that.

Digging severed heads not withstanding. Just cause I like heads, doesn't mean I condone the practice.

Even if I do have a raging boner from thinking about French girls giving foot jobs and being guillotined. Or wearing wooden sabots.

The Mid Writing Blues

One halts their composition,
Instead waiting for inspiration to hit,
Asking for an idea should not be an inquisition,
When you go to rest your weary eyes.

The dream world can be an influence,
One need not be of affluence.
Instead one needs a heart of gold,
And a story one desires to be told.

Because you can do it,
I believe you,
No go and write your story.

I Stand By The Comparison

French is basically Texas of the EU, and England is a little better at being the Tennessee of the EU.

In fact, according to my room mate, that's why a lot of people from Tennessee sound very slightly British.

To bad I don't associate with Tennessee. I mean when you lived in NashChat as long as I have, you wouldn't either. There are trans women that actually go missing and are murdered.

If I continued to live there, I wouldn't have much time left.

Yet all people can complain about is whether someone is a jerk and not why that person may be a jerk, and doesn't trust others.

Why Shielding Eyes Is Bad

Shielding the eyes of little boys and girls from seeing other boys and girls be beheaded on a guillotine is bad for one major reason, if they actually witnessed first hand the horrors of decapitation you might actually have young people motivated to pursue social justice if one of their childhood playmates (or best friends if in high school) was decapitated.

Just a thought, over protective parents? Might motivate ending capital punishment, hardly a bad thing for society to do.

I still think there should always be capital punishment in literature in the 19th century, otherwise if one doesn't see the horrors of capital punishment how are we as a society to know the death penalty is bad?

I am anti-death penalty and also anti-censorship.

You'll find a lot of the people who are pro-capital punishment are also pro "protecting the sanctity" of childhood as well. It might just be an American thing though.

Feeling Very Slipstream: Or Why I Love Saving Mr. Banks

The movie Saving Mr. Banks taught me something could technically be set during an historical time period, and include different sections of a MC's personal history. It also shows you can keep the essence of someone without being absolutely true to their life story.

Imagine if writers did this with American and French history, or even German history--or I wear birkenstocks with white socks history, or the history of the Japanese during imperialism.

History is more of a time line to me as someone who likes retro futurism, I never understood the point in stories limiting themselves to historical fiction. I mean as innovative as J.G. Ballard was, one of his last novels was in fact largely an autobiographical fiction of being British in China.

With slipstream combining elements of horror, the fantastical, science fiction, historical, elements of autobiography, and historical biography, the world literally is at your finger tips.

Saving Mr. Banks shows this can work, but also adding elements of childhood wonder and magic.

Good job Disney, one of few good movies you ever did.

I still want to listen to an uncut version of those P.L. Travers tapes.

Now lets go write some true crime stories that have a very Feeling Very Slipstream feel. My favorite for now is Boeglin.

https://splintercultgirl.wordpress.com/2016/07/30/feeling-very-slipstream-or-why-i-love-saving-mr-banks/

Distinctions

"Personal Retro-Futures" is a very difficult area to define, because on one level it is highly autobiographical, but also about events that could happen in the future without ever happening, and also about some characters from periods of history that never existed in your personal time lime.

That's way pushing my work onto an editor would be some hard, as I'd rather not be in the position to deal with having to explain what parts are autobiographical, what parts are autobiographically futuristic, what parts are based on true histories but set in the future of your own time line, and what parts are "personal futures" of Anna-Marie Boeglin's or Anna Frank's family, which is even harder to define in exact words.

This is a lot of the reason Transrealism is such a difficult genre to write in, is it requires a bunch of different kind of skill sets and habits some find annoying in autobiographical, science fiction and fantasy, horror, and historical fiction on an individual level.

I imagine this is also why Kurt Vonnegut had trouble as well, because you're dealing with a book that has authenticity that can't quite be limited to autobiographical or fiction.

It used to be stuff of a very Transrealistic nature were just considered part of mainstream literary canon. Although not saying it was utopic in the eighteen hundred either, as you had rich white men also determining what was publishable to a largely rich white male audience.

Spasmic Wilting

Shudders

Oh Shudders,

Shaking...

     You in

     Shudders,

     Wilting.

Shake

About in

Shudders...

     Shake

     About all

     Night.

Wilt and fall onto the ground,

Wilt and fall, fall and pound into the ground.

Wilt and fall into your face.

And then say sorry for wilting, wilting, and wilting.

As one falls as a disgrace.

Wish the

dream go

away...

     Yet they

     Can’t cause

     hate...

Is what

they feel for

you...

     Reminders of another time.

Wilt and fall onto the ground,

Wilt and fall, fall and pound into the ground.

Wilt and fall into your face.

And then say sorry for wilting, wilting, and wilting.

As one falls as a disgrace.

Some consider me spasmic,

Others quite orgasmic,

Yet I am nothing, nothing at all.

You blog cause you love it,

Or have no other option to communicate.

Promises

Sometimes if you care so little,

You whittle your dates to so little.

Sometimes if you care to much,

You’ll prefer to date the dutch,

Instead of dating them all.

For the crying old woman,

Who lived in a shoe,

Only taught one how to paint a world,

Yet if she were one of them,

You would tell her to shoe.

Because one lives alone,

With no want or care in the world,

Drinking iron and spilling blood on your face.

Others viewing one as a disgrace.

And yet beyond Purgatory road,

There are promises to behold,

To end the meat space life.

If one can chill out, and not give a shout,

One can find themselves a wife.

It Drives Me Nuts,

I have to avoid certain topics just to keep some air of civility on wattpad. I'm tired of having to be the one that brushes the topic in another direction, just so I don't have to talk about my unresolved issues.

I'm emotionally so done with that, and yet part of my is drawn to said threads, just to understand my own feelings.

And then when you let those feelings build up, people act like your some horrible bitch for letting it all hang out.

No wonder some writers just blog.

Poe is celebrated by the French, for me that be like the ultimate downer ending.

Oh but,

Don't worry about what happened in previous centuries you've never been or experience, said the sociopath nobody cared about. Because apparently not being there means it shouldn't turn your stomach.

Having things,

Set in a nation whose government you hate kind of saps the enjoyment you hate for stories you used to love growing up, whether that's Phantom or Count Cain Saga.

Sour grapes, I know.

The feeling is similar to supporting work you know was written by a slave master that paddled their slaves.

It may be great work of art, but it still comes from a country that beheaded in the eighteen hundreds, when it was on its way out in other European countries.

Yea I do have a lot of mixed feelings about French, how could you tell?

Oh I'll fuck Christine. I'll always fuck a French girl.

Like beheading isn't something I normally associate with the 19th and 20th centuries, except in like Germany and France.

Having something set in a country I hate can really taint my feelings about works of art sometimes.

Like this is the country that didn't separate from the EU only because England got there first. And I'd rather associate with England.

Fuck you Wattpad,

Fuck you for trying to tempt me with vitriolic feelings I have for French (as in the nation of France--you Mauritians are OK) people. You know damn good and well I have mixed feelings about the French.

I can easily move my stuff to Upliterate if I really wanted to.

It was one of those chapters,

Where when I read the section where girls where beheaded and their heads carried around, I felt slightly turned on. And yet when I read Forgotten Juliet, now that was a fucking heart breaker right there. He never even got to fullfil his promise to her.:/

Manga can give you all sorts of mixed feelings. I don't even think Kaori Yuki was trying to turn me on with the decapitation one, I just have an unhealthy fascination for heads.

Heavenly Reaper Song

Sometimes one neglects their love,

Two girls who loved you long,

And yet for their sake you leave them alone,

Because you would rather say so long.

To give into to love, is to give into heartbreak,

When you sing the Grim Reaper’s song.

For the girls are angels, and yet treated not,

And the bell tunes to its angelic song.

In the prison they wait for death,

Hearing strange voices by stranger men,

And hop to God, if they so believe in him,

That they won’t be hurt again.

So they make small talk to cope,

While hoping against the hopeless hope,

To be blessed by the pope.

Instead their dresses become mud.

And I wait regretted, for the girls I once loved,

To instead wait for their demise.

I’d rather them be dead, then deal with my lies,

As I lie to myself about hating them and their lives.

And yet I still cry, when the blades takes their lives,

And the blood squirts on my face.

Because those angels, lost to time,

Could have been treated as royal by me,

Listening to folk songs, of metal and rhyme.

So I wait for death by their headstone,

And for the heavenly reaper song.

Begging

I’m not

going to--go

begging...

                   for that

                   sensation

                   of flesh.

Instead

I cower,

Sleeping..

               Waiting,

               For your touch.

               Your coldness.

                                        Your breathlessness.

                                        Your love.

The flowers are wilting,

In the world among the headstone.

Where the angels above are statues,

Asking for your atone.

Why is it always the cute girls,

That come from European countries with obnoxious governments. Why can't they be in my zombie Frankenstein monster harem instead. Just without electrodes. Cause I like detachable heads.

Nickola Tesla laser gun alert!

Why Twitter is bad, for anything...

I was trying to communicate how I can paradoxically have a kink for women being decapitated, while still also having empathy and sympathy for ones that are actually decapitated. People seem to have this idea that one can either dig something "nasty" and being cold blooded, or not dig something be literally the best thing since sliced bread.

But no there is a lot of moral gray, like for one I dig it when anime girls are sent to the guillotine. I also feel awful about them being guillotined. It's one of those things that had kind of emotionally fucked me over a lot of my life.

In the past I thought I liked dead girls, but no no I definitely like them alive. That's not really it, I just really really dig blood. I think it comes from the same place as people who find vampires hot.

Well vampire chicks guillotined ... well that would be ... over the top! I'll have it a little over the top, a little? Not a lot?

But I tried communicating that on twitter, and it ends up chopping up my phrases doing more than just decapitating them, but slicing them into powder and making you come across badly in the process.

Oh you bet my mom used to really kink shame me about it. Even asked me to chop her head off. Obviously I refused.

What do you think guys?

I had originally been kind of scared about the idea of getting ear rings, although I've always wanted to have them. They're starting to heal up a bit, I just need to rotate them sometimes.

And yes those are skull ear rings. I have a little goth girl in me. I'm shocked, I didn't know that.

Blue hair, birks, French girls, and guillotines,

What more kinks can you find out about me completely accidentally. Just dial the number for a beep, and I'll leave a message.

But seriously sorry about all the kink talk. Feel free to take my head off. Nooooo. I dig French girls.

Slipstream Subset: Borgianesque (Part of Satanic Science Fiction)

A science fiction/horror/romance slipstream that combines transrealism (autobiographical fiction) elements and historical crime drama elements utilizing a “love story” between morally problematic protagonists. It incorporates Alternate History by theoretically executing the real life person it was based on.
Ex. Basing a romance story on Charlotte Corday, although this sub-genre is meant to be illustrative of the 19th century in a retro-futuristic or Cyberpunk setting. As well, Charlotte Corday was actually executed, and so the alternate history isn’t needed.

The real life individual is based on murderesses under eighteen who committed their crimes between 1800 and 1889, or in some way depict an alternate history where the death penalty for women/girls wasn’t abolished.

Those who commit murder may be murderers of their own parents. Or they may murder friends, the main requirement is the focus on young murderers.

It can cross-over with New Adult depending on what the age of majority is for that person in that particular in that particular time.

Particular detail is spent on the abuse they went through, as well as the gradual descent into insanity as they come to terms with their strange new world, and how they fit into the larger picture of things.

A common execution device is Guillotine Guns, although it doesn’t have to. Cousin and often compatible with Guillotine Western.

• Ex. Hemato Tomato: Bloodlust
• https://www.wattpad.com/story/79216697-homato-tomato-bloodlust

External Links:
https://splintercultgirl.wordpress.com/2016/07/25/flouisaesque-thematic-sets/

CursedHope: A Retrospective

This would become of the last RPG Maker VX games I would make, and focus the rest of my life on writing--which at first was going to be graphic novel scripts, because ... well I mostly read graphic novels and manga for years. It wasn't until later ... yea the only novel I had recently read was Neuromancer.

Prose used to do weird things to my brain that made it hard to concentrate, when text is so tightly packed together (it's part of why I like lyricalness and poetry.)

I had a thing for the name Amy ever since I first watched Sailor Moon. Always had a kink for blue haired nerdy girls. In either case, this was the summary of that game:

The gradual decrease of authority in law enforcement by turning to computers, creates a situation where computers control who gets arrested, and who does not. The lack of a job for forensic scientist has supposedly caused their to be more skilled serial killers on the streets. However, how much is the prevalence of serial killers actual truth, or simply government propaganda in a massive witch hunt.

The main character, having used to work for the government, knows that a lot of the people accused of being serial killers, are simply people accused of things like thought and sex crime. The main character then decides that he will terminate accused serial killers before the government can get to the punch, and end prevent their torture by "ending their suffering. The main character ends the accused suffering by lethal injecting them so the government can not torture them.

The main character must contend with the choice of either terminating her, and following through with his plan of action. Or, he can help her finds ways to hack into the system, and avoid detection herself. The main character decides to help her hack into the system, and gets dragged off for torture while she slowly merges into the machine.

Amy will have to deal with others issues, such as if someone were to actually attempt to hack into her own system with a computer virus. She must also still try to save her boyfriend from being tortured by the government, and deal with an angry survivor of her boyfriends reign of terror. His name is Jabber-knit Jared.

Jared needs to find a way to get the funds to pay for the hacker. He must also avoid law enforcement suspicion himself. But, what if Jared could actually find a way to work with law enforcement? Can Jared find a way to get law enforcement to be on his side? 

 

Jared's own mental health is gradually decreasing, and his friends are slowly beginning to wonder if her might actually be a serial killer himself. He tells his friends he's going to be on vacation for a bit. Meanwhile another survivor emerges that has her own personal vendetta against the hero. Her nick name is hopper. Hopper is a young woman, who murdered her father and caught the attention of the main hero.

She has her work cut out for her, because she must save her boyfriend, who she slowly questions the merits of attempting to rescue him. She must prevent as many people from being tortured by the government as possible. And she must also defend herself from Jared, who has in mind to stop her from saving her boyfriend, so he can let the government torture his foe.

Will Amy be able to talk Hopper out of pursuing her revenge against the hero, if not out of a conscience, but simply because what Jared actually proposes is more logical, even if Amy doesn't agree with it. Or will hopper continue to be headstrong, and go head first into saving the main hero so she can specifically torture him. Amy finds out that a small group of "Accused serial killers" were nearly murdered by the main hero. However, whether any of them are actually telling the truth is called into question.

Amy must decide whether to believe the stories of Jared's friends, or to go ahead and plow into her quest to save as many many people from being tortured by the government as possible. She reaches the location where the hero is being held, and saves another accused serial killer who is also a girl. She must figure out whether some of the people are actually falsely accused, or actually killers themselves.

There is a major risk that in fact some of them really are killers. Security sends out their robots and cyborgs to come and attack her, and she manages to hold them off, until she starts to feel a little bit funny. She realizes that she did not adequately fend Jared off, and he's continuing to have his computer hacker plant viruses into her her cyborg body. Amy saves the main hero, and then dispatches Jared, and the computer hacker. However Hopper decides revenge isn't worth it. The main hero asks Amy, "I thought you weren't a killer."

Amy responds, "I also thought you weren't a killer."

I wrote a blog on the chronological history of my writing,

https://splintercultgirl.wordpress.com/2016/07/29/chronological-history-of-my-writing/

At the time I forgot to include O Raphael.

O Raphael is a bit of a weird story, as it was written before I had decided to completely switch to writing prose. At the time I was still wanting to design RPG Maker VX titles.


It's not like I'll never go back to game design, but I've gotten so far into programming in Ruby I don't think I could go back to using a game engine I hadn't programmed myself.

Epic Post Romance

This is a style of novella compilation I’m going to be writing in the future. I assume my science fiction will become increasingly retro-futuristic. It will be exploring LGBT themes, and the tragic life of dealing losing your lover do to an untimely execution by guillotine. Setting will likely be French take over of US as per usual for me these days.

By retro-futuristic, I mean it’s a time period during the Industrial Revolution where certain character from French history show up in the American wild west, exploring their life as they would have lived it in France. It also different from the wild west in the state struggling to regain dominance, and increasingly brutal law enforcement tactics.

Also as per the usual, the MC will be a self-insert that is of Scots Irish descent, and the political differences of the pairing.

Post Romance is different from romance in that the plot is usually about the memories of interacting with your lover, with special emphasis on them getting the chop right from the get go when the story starts. The rest of the novel is exploring the childhood adventures had with that lover.

For example Hemato Tomato is highly Post Romance. Almost stereotypically so.

What I Like About Steampunk Harem

You could have an anti-hero female MC build up a Frankenstein harem of beautiful girls that were beheaded on the guillotine resurrected with detachable heads, and nobody will bat an eye. As it’s Steampunk, it’s suppose to be weird and kinky.

How this will factor in my Young Adult epic I’m entirely unsure.

And yes I would totally do that, build up a Harem of zombie girls who were executed by guillotine, given life by science to do my head giving. It only gets heart breaking when they actually have memories before their deaths.
I love heart breaking!

Minimalist Cover Request And Research Assistant

Cover: Guillotine Western Satanic Science Fiction

author: L.W. Flouisa

title: Hemato Tomato

theme: Horror/Steampunk

pic ideas: Generally United States with French influence. It doesn’t have to be related to French revolution per say, but sometime in the late early 19th century like 1830-1840s. Around the era of Anna-Marie Boeglins.

summary: Set in the backdrop of a United States on the brink of French take over, the guillotine gun reaches its final refined form, leaving trails of decapitated heads in its path. The story of the American guillotine gun family, a mistaken necrophiliac, and a girl who wants her father dead.

I don’t want anything super fancy, just something that vaguely resembles a futuristic version of that time period.

Please remember this is for wattpad, so I’m unlikely to pay you monetarily. So any offer that requests money will go ignored.


Research Assistant Position

Also eventually I'm going to be hiring a research assistant to take simple notes based on French history, proficiency with French is highly desired. Specifically familiarity with France between 1800 to 1870. (1870 is my cut off, even though women were guillotined until some point in the 1880s.)

I'm not necessarily wanting it to be super accurate, I just want enough of a basis in accuracy so I'm not guillotining a sixteen year old girl when the year turns 1840 when only adults are beheaded. (Unless it's a crazed murderer like in Count Cain Saga.)

Hey I can't help it, I'm a manga head. I read manga for years before settling down with prose and poetry.

Well if this works,

Then it's back to bloggering again.

I'm not a robot. So cut that shit out.

https://splintercultgirl.wordpress.com/

Follow my new blog here.

Having To Shave

You dress up one morning to try to look all pretty, and then a few days later realize you still look like a gender confused man do to having an overgrowth of beard hair.

Hoping to get laser soon.

Google isn't letting me make normal posts without updating old ones, so I might try to sleep and see if the issue resolves itself. If it doesn't, I'll redirect you guys to my medium from Wattpad.

Cute Is Glamorous Lite

At least that's how I always used the word, so it's strange to me when people refer to babies or pets as being cute or even those of the age where you can't really expect them dress glamorously.

To me cute in the way I use it means someone who knows they're beautiful, without necessarily having to flaunt it with gaudy clothing. She can wear ripped jeans, birkenstocks, and a long almost dress like shirt and can pull it off and give you a hard on without being ego maniacal about it.

I won't risk specific child actors, but you'll know them when you see them. Although one still talks about me behind my back. I wish she can find it in herself to move on, I can't make myself hate her.

It's just sad she became totally nuts.

But this one lady on a Wattpad book cover, I can legitimately say for myself--she is cute. Even further back cute also meant innocuous. But that was abandoned a long time ago as I became more cynical.

Well like I would say Anna-Marie Boeglin was likely cute but not fully glamorous (which is more often than not being glamorous is a bad thing.)

So say a cute girl on a guillotine tends to turn me on more than a glamorous gaudy bitch strapped to a 1984 rocket.

More likely to feel extremely protective of a cute girl.

Middle Finger Jokes

Dad used to be really bad about middle finger jokes, always siting the common story about how people lost their middle finger.

I ultimately decided not to sever his middle finger in novelette, even though hat would have made an excellent autobiographical allusion.

My family was much much more subtle than Al Capone crony-ism. It didn't even occur to me I had those feelings of uncertainty, until I had actually left my dad's side of the family.

Mom's side was OK though. My grandfather in story is loosely based on my Nuclear scientist, which I've grown an appreciation for over the years. I'd love to tell him I started reading.

My Family

Was not an organized crime syndicate in the traditional sense. Rather my dad worked as a National Wildlife Resource Agent and had a nasty temper with his apparently male children.

The only distortion is a French guillotine family taking him on as an executioner. Although that's only a distortion from how he used to toss me to the ground and strangle me. Technically I could have died or suffered brain damage any number of times.

Used to happen to my cousin too, though only once. If I were my VC, I'd be depressed to be in this family too.

Except he wasn't much better.

That wasn't the worst shit, but it was bad enough

Well wasn't it not an organized crime family? I mean my aunt worked as a school principle, and knew how to work the system. My room mate I currently live with had a kid that went to her school. The distortion is more in scope than content, although not shots were ever fired.

It wasn't "that" kind of family. You didn't borrow money from them, you almost never did business with them. The only difference is my dad worked in hunting licenses, not guillotine executions.

Don't trust my memory completely though, as I've gone through a lot of gas lighting and don't completely trust myself. When you have a mother and father that tells you how good you got it, it's hard to get perspective on things.

So according,

To this one guillotine documentary, they even had guillotine erotica. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't find it hot. But it's kind of messed up based on the context of the time.

Guillotine erotica in anime pictures is much more moral! Plus you're not hurting a real person ... god damn it vocaloid ... noooo.

I mean that's part of been my fear for while, what if I met a girl that knew I had a thing for blood, but it's not like I actually liked death. Rather it had been to do with suicide eroticism.

It still make dating Charlotte Corday or Anna-Marie Boeglin one really weird conversation. Especially when Boeglin almost got the angled blade.

A lot of why I don't date. I can't subject anyone to that.

I wonder,

What Poe would be like with his arms rapped around me. I mean say what you want about his alcohol habits, but that was a pretty pretty man.

Why Do I Always Attract Broken Birds?

Back when I studied serial killer, I knew a girl that would later influence one of poem at one point, that basically had this really shitty father. I mean really shitty father. Microwave your pet cat shitty father.

I knew some really really broken birds. Breaks my heart. It makes since she became very man fearing. Poor thing.

Oh but get this, when I didn't consider myself a girl, she still felt more comfortable around me than someone like her should for someone apparently male.

It was only later it turned out I'm female. I even told her this. I think she became even closer to me. I told her indirectly though, it was like on some level she kind of knew.

I've been that way with lesbians a lot.

If you're a broken bird like that, please get help. But know you are loved. And you don't deserve shit like that father.

I think every one in "The Clit" were emotionally broken. It was my friendship with these people that influenced my outcast community in NashChat in Meadow Of Gold.

Gummy bear, one of the girls I knew in school in Murfreesboro was so fucking cute. It's kind of sad she got some STD though.

I really really miss Meagan Brown though. I just hope she didn't do something stupid like murder someone. I worry about her. I know it was like 11 years ago, but it still breaks my heart.

In my lap.

Nothing like a morning for fixing French murderess borgias into upstanding people. In my lap.

If you think that's weird, I knew guys that solicited people to chop their cock off. Yea, a little creepy there guy. Besides I'm lesbian.

My issues,

It's one thing to call someone a shit once, it's another for someone to call you a demon spawn from hell send to punish her from God. After a while you kind of start to believe it.

Poem

The quiet room in

The house echoes in giggles ...

The sound of taps.

Piano keys play

the tunes of the poems

of nursery rhymes ...

Singing

Children sing

Sing songs.

It's weird,

I consider myself submissive. But I want a girlfriend I can protect. I haven't quite gotten around that paradox. Except I want a girl that's like even more submissive than me.

Before you ask, no I'm not available. I'm not dating either. I'm just not mentally ready for a girlfriend right now, dutch girl or not.

It's only been a recent revelation that I'm actually a good person, cause of all the gas lighting I went through.

At this point it be so weird being loved, I'm so unused to being loved. I mean really fucking really loved. Not just pretend love kink shaming.

Weirdest drawing I ever drew.

I think I had pictures of decapitated heads in life preservation jars. My first character Ellen (a previous version of current Ellen) had her head's life forces preserved in a tank until a robot body could be made.

Yea I went through a weird period where I really liked heads. I still like heads, just not in preservation tanks in pictures.

I'm president Soft Butch Steampunk,

I'm here to take you elections in the presidential Cock us.

What if,

Anna-Marie Boeglin turns out to be like this ugly cute chick. I wouldn't necessarily regret it, the opposite. I like finding the beautiful not traditionally attractive girls.

But then flying on a hang glider would be fucking silly then if you have squirrel teeth.

That's a reference to a really cute but not traditionally beautiful non-French girl that influenced Jenna's Gift.

I like cute girls, not beautiful ones. More approachable.

God damn it,

Thinking about girls in Birkenstock clogs in the mud again. It helps when they have a really soft heart too.

Don't even get me started on French murderesses from the 1830s and 40s dressed as modern soft butches. That be to much for my lady cock to handle. Way to much hate fucking.

Ramen? Nevermore!

What's the deal with birkenstocks?

Well there is a bit of a story on that. I went to a high school wear everyone and you're next door neighbor was wearing Birkenstock Boston clogs. Every now and then you would find really hot girls wearing them, particularly those who I would term a soft butch.

Soft butch are girls who dress like boys, but they still have long hair. Yea, I kind of find that a bit kinky. Picturing them rolling around in the mud, punching some rabid kangaroos. God damn I'm hard now.

Same with Arizona style.

Exception

I will date French boys that look like girls, provided they aren't actually girls. Just pretty enough to be used like girls. I'm not even someone into boys, but some of those French guys with their women like faces.

Why I Hate Twitter

Twitter is like late stage cancer. There is nothing good about it. I started blogging instead cause it seems like everyone who follows is like the absolute worst of the human race. Including some agents (although one lady is really super sweet.)

Like one unfollowed because cause I was critiquing French government. Like if you really identify that much with your government, I seriously kind of wonder a bit about you. Like some twtilight zone "there is nothing better than North Korea."

I hate Twitter so much.

I have enough followers.

The other thing about Twitter, is I've gotten way to many robots and hate followers. And some of the hate followers, the hate just across as secret admiration that's really weird.

If you're,

Really offended by me critiquing France about having guillotines till 1981, please chuck your feelings at the door, and realize I'm not talking about you personally. Most people know US government isn't American people. So unless you really identify with your government (In which case I'd seriously wonder about you.) then please stop complaining.

I'm not going to beg you back into my life either, when you're that self-centered and narcissistic I don't need you in my life.

Not talking about Boeglin just to be clear. Oh but you bet she unfollowed me do to a comment about Boeglin and other murderesses. It's like Twitter people are unfamiliar with a thing called context.

I once went to a French bakery ...

Can I order that bread with a Dutch waitress? Especially the wooden shoes, and some Tulips. And some tap dancing, that be great too.

On anime girls, porn, and triggers.

It's kind of a weird thing. The idea of actually touching another human being gives me weird issues, despite having a blood kink. And yet anime girls tend to be kind of an exception.

Like I can look at a cute anime girl suck a lady dick, and not necessarily by reminded of the guys who molested me when I was 6-8. God damn it. But the point is Anime girls feel safe.

I can indulge in mild bondage, and not have to worry about accidentally hurting a girlfriend. That's always been a worry of mine.

And some of my darker kinks, them being anime girls would be kind of a necessity. I don't mean wearing birkenstock clogs though, but some of the darker stuff that made me worry about my mental health and inspired Hemato Tomato.

Making anime girls based on real historical figures is just weird.

I did that,

Mainly for Anna-Marie, I still don't completely trust happy endings.

That and I'm growing to love completely soul crushing stories with inspirational and happier endings anyway.

When I wrote The Hatchling Song, I interspersed soul crushing stories with whimsical stories to live the full range of human experience.

I might adapt similar techniques to Post Romance, which is romance assuming the love interest--a youthful Borgia older than fifteen and no older than 25, is executed from the get go. The rest of the stories is learning to forgive yourself, and loving them and not their actions.

It's a hard thing to do, when someone crushes your spirits. Believe me, I know that.

Well, if I can get over my emotional triggers.

Electronic Paradise (Hemato Tomato End)

Ultimately I couldn't make myself give a downer ending even to a Youthful Borgia, that's just not the kind of soul I have.

I’ve never been on a date before, but there is nothing like a ride on a hang glider. I sometimes worry about whether Anna-Marie may fall. But I have confidence in her abilities. And at this point, it’s not like either of us can die anything.
 

We watch the world above us as the clouds of darkness converge. Yet for us there is a kind of hidden rainbow, where even the most broken of lost children can find some happiness in their new life. It wasn’t heaven in the traditional sense, but also might as well have been. When your mind has been completely copied and your life force transfered over to a computer, the difference between actual paradise and electronics is unimportant. I pointed her in the direction of the stop, and we flew together holding hands. I wondered what kind of new stories could be told between me and Anna-Marie.

But for now I leave you with, please consider carefully the value of taking another person’s life. Anna-Marie was my friend, and my life would have completely lost without her. She may be scared of you and as much as you to her, but there is something level of sweetness even in the most broken of cyberspace heaven’s children. Because at the end of the day we are all depressed and scared about something. Over time in heaven I’ve found something of responsibility to help Anna not end up her own existence, if no other reason than it would get really lonely. I find that may trauma about holding her decapitated head gradually melt away into the distance. Whatever past she had makes no difference to me, and I find myself crying tears of joy.

She helped me forgive myself.

In my mind I see horrifying futures, I’m not sure what I could do to help the world meat space. I worry about my siblings, who I have seen the future birth of the computer hacker Nadine and Vella. I’m not sure what future the world holds, but I picture myself level electronic paradise forever, holding hands with my true love and always. As we walk together into the light.

She smiling! I’m so happy.

Support the wattpader!

https://www.wattpad.com/14993343-gaia%27s-brood-chapter-1

That guy does some great Steampunk fiction. I'm not really much of a Steampunk fan myself, but he has me hooked. There are specific reasons I'm not wild about Steampunk that may or may not have any actual thing to do with that genre.

I discussed it a bit on twitter. I'm against setting up an execution scene, and not fulfilling that promise. Execution is for if you want to make a dystopian death penalty point, or it's done on someone that actually deserve the ax or rope. No I don't have a vested interest, why do you ask?^^

We need to grow past that as a society. If you don't like the death penalty, than just actually execute them to make anti-death penalty point, and avoid execution as a topic (as I do in my middle grade.)

But I have high hopes for this book, no disappointment so far. Word of warning though, I am one to stop and not review a book if it ticks me off enough with executions adverted/subverted.

I wonder if his other stuff is good?

Writing As Therapy For The Poor

Often I find when I have trouble finding therapist, writing a novella or story, especially a confessional story or perhaps a slightly happier middle grade is the only thing separating me from suicide.

I like watching children play, and have happier childhoods than I hate. Gives me the warm and fuzzies.

Also support this youtube guy,

Anyone remember when I mentioned Rachel? Yea she kind of started my whole Jewish girl thing. Even though technically not Jewish in game. But the allegory is obvious.

Anyone buy FF6 too. You won't regret it if you like JRPGs. A heads up though, it is a bit bleaker if you're not used to that kind of WWI-WII gas lamp fantasy secondary world tone.

Go support the studio and buy this,

This was one of my favorite anime as a teen. It's a little bit more obscure than their more well known Lain series, but worth the money.

When you're comparing it some YA dystopia (yes even my own, I'll admit), everything pales in comparison to this.

The problem with me as a children's writer,

Sure I could play a classic poetry song, but I'd play that classic children's song on the double base clef of a harpsicord ...

Very slowly. Because harpsichords are sexy.

How about a happier blog post?

She walks through, the meadow / flowing seeds, of flowers,

That plant new, young flowers / drifting on, wayward.

Come to, the meadow green / where the long, river flows long,

Swim along, the river of / the valley, of flowers.

Can you give, me a music / box sing song, that sings long?

Where once was, a flower / that could sing, sing along.

Shepard fed, her young lambs / showed them, her care,

With the wind, hard blowing / her long blond, flowing hair.

She has the, care at heart / that gives one, a soft touch.

That she treats, them well and / sings along, to the wind:

'Oh the precious lamb, your grace. Your love.

Sings a song, a melody / that gives a, unwinding doze.

A rabbit hops, she picks them up / their fur soft,

Rabbit jiggles, it's nose.

Come to the, valley where / the Shepard, sings along.

Come to the, valley where / the Shepard, sings along.

Walk through, the meadow / flowing seeds, of flowers.

Why Did I Bother?

I don't understand why I even followed some of these science fiction blogs. I don't even really associate with science fiction and fantasy.

Whenever I wrote fiction, that fact they became science fiction or fantasy has always been coincidental, and not really the core story I've wanted to tell.

Like if I could have a romance of time lines (time travel), I'm far more likely to focus on the intimate details of Charlotte Corday and myself between those two time periods.

Like time travel for me has always been less a tool for wish fulfillment, and more of a tool to learn about your national or international history through a transrealistic narrator.

Transrealism -- Similar to Slipstream, is science fiction and fantasy based on an individuals personal life. These could be science fiction or fantasy retellings of your memoir or full blown autobiography.

Hemato Tomato is a novelette version of my experience as someone with a sexual interest in blood, and a Youthful Borgia who in my mind I wanted to fix and take her pain away.

I like bad girls. Really bad girls.

If It Wasn't Obvious

Yes I am have a thing for Jewish, Japanese, French, and Dutch girls. Although French is more of a hate-fuck thing than anything else.

Japanese girls are too ... well lets just say they would usually be in the popular crowd in my school, although I don't doubt they have psychological torment on their age. So they'd probably avoid me having been in the Goth/Punk crowd.

My interest in Jewish or Dutch girls has at times crossed over, as at times much of my life girls I've liked have either turned out to be extremely Jewish or extremely Dutch. I'm not entirely sure why that is.

I do know Rachel in FF6 sounds very Jewish. I would have liked to meet her, if she weren't like ... tragically dead.

Aerith though, I don't know. That gets a little British for me. Cute sure, sweet most definitely, but innocent I doubt it. Her death was tragic too, although more in an epic fantasy sort of way and less romance novel way.

Aerith was one of my first favorite characters.

As An Attempted Suicide Survivor

I wonder at times if I bring about some of my issues myself. While there are some autobiographical stories I've written (that's how I talk about myself to others, as in real life I tend to freeze, clam up, and hide behind some friend I feel safe around) there are some elements I chose not to cover in any of my young adult and middle grade stories.

That has to do with the hyper sexualization of my youth. I'm not sure if I'll ever write about that, although I have no reason to dream to stop some future autobiography--if my fiction lasts that long.

I tend to be a suicide method out of convenience person, the last three times have tended to be poison, though if it became available and had the stable and structurally sound enough support--well and were not living with a room mate that despite saying she's aro behaves in a way that would almost suggest sub-textually she loves me, I'd probably hang myself.

That's the only reason I have it, I don't want to scare my friend again. She means to much to me.

Republished

Note that my books gradually increase from Young Adult to New Adult, to New Adult to Middle Grade, and Finally back New Adult.

Order Of Release:

Hemato Tomato: Bloodlust -- Borgianesque/Guillotine Western -- Teen Fiction - 0
Beyond The Dreamer's Edge -- Transrealism/Magic Realism -- New Adult - 0.5
Meadow Of Gold -- Cyberpunk/Knights And Inner Space -- New Adult - 1
Vella Clocktime -- Post Cyberpunk -- Middle Grade - 2
Simply Pace -- Generational Science Fiction -- New Adult - 3

Over it's a world where the fantasy dream-world eventually comes to collide with reality in strange ways, and people must adapt to these changes to their world in order to survive.

Petunia And Flying School House are middle grade series prequels.

Nymphs Of Winter Fire and The Hatchling Song are on amazon under the pen name L.W. Flouisa.

Hemato Tomato: Bloodlust -- Married In Death (Part Three) - Quote

"And yet in our society if I try to empathize with her, I have blood on my hands. For her sake I shall not masturbate and perpetuate my own cycles of misery and despair. For me and her we are beyond sisters in the game of life."

Referencing how it is socially taboo to empathize with Youthful Borgias.

My Dialect

Note when I say "I made a promise to an historical friend I fell in love with" this doesn't mean literal I met someone from the past and therefore I love her. That involves time travel.

It's a subset of my prose and prose main language and why plain speak English is difficult.

Basically the idea is I have become acquainted with a woman from the past, and have developed romantic feelings enough to consider their wishes for how they want to be remembered even though I could not have possibly met them in real life. I feel a kinship and connection beyond the grave that transcends death into the hyper real.

Guillotine Gun

This is loosely based on the Burger guillotine, refined over time similar to how land line phone became cell phones.

Guillotine Guns are decapitation firearms meant exclusively for execution, designed to immobilize victims, and decapitate them humanely using an angled bladed projectile similar to the mouton that held the angled blade that decapitated many women in the French Revolution and Nazi War Period.

It is lighter, and hand held. You can execute people on the spot without a trial, and be done with it and onto the next political malcontent in mere minutes.

Specifically Hemato Tomato was forbidden from witnesses other beheadings, because her father did not want her to reveal her own true nature, or how he perceived it to be.

Her father thought she was a necrophilia, but it turns out she is a girl with a blood kink with a soft heart. He is unsure how to react when Hemato Tomato hugs Anna-Marie's severed head crying.

Anna-Marie Borges is loosely based on Anna-Marie Boeglin. You can find information about her either in:

1. 13 Poisoned Cases -- A French Textbook I had went ahead and requested a kindle version for.
2. Mysterious Misandry -- An excellent resource for finding out female serial killers. 

Remember, just because I have an extreme blood kink doesn't mean I advocate killing people or the death penalty. Quite the opposite.

Revisions And Other News

I edited and added in chapters about the origin of the French super state that took over the US, the origins of the American Guillotine Gun family, and how other European states were effected by withdrawing from the old EU bringing back German prior to Nazi takeover German radical preservation political groups.

Such groups bring back old capital punishment methods like ax and block style decapitation that punished note-able murderesses after the 1890s. In fact in some ways Germany is actually worse than France when it comes to decapitation. The difference is Germany banned the Guillotine in the 50s altogether. By the hippie era is was no longer a thing.

And you don't want to behead those hippies. I need my hash supply after all. And sexy girls in Birkenstocks, that helps.

I also decided on the Science Fantasy sub-genre I work in, I call it Borgianesque. Simply put, it explores the lost childhoods of teen girls who became murderesses and are eventually guillotined for it.

See also:
https://www.wattpad.com/288266837-science-fantasy-thematic-genre-listings

My Most Current Short Story:
https://www.wattpad.com/story/79216697-hemato-tomato-bloodlust

On Maturity And Immaturity

Right now I'm sitting on the edge in a strange place between maturity and immaturity.

While maturity has some benefits, so does a certain level of immaturity.

Case in point, a lot of my writing has been on some level accommodating for my own

lack of a childhood. Even when I didn't write middle grade (that's most of my writing

life) I tended to explore the childhoods of younger characters in order to find something

I could relate to.

When I write middle grade, I want readers to experience a certain level of immaturity I

never got to experience growing up, do to related traumas that caused PTSD.

And think on some level, this kept me sane. Marginally of course, but just sane enough to

avoid completely losing myself.

Undercurrent Of Resentment

In France they had the guillotine until 1981, but it became technically illegal to decapitate women from 1890s had a short rebirth in the Nazi era, and eventually banned again after that era.

Let's ignore the fact that France had the guillotine, a remnant of the French Revolutionary era. I've read somewhere (if I find it I will link it in another post), about how trans people couldn't change their birth certificate.

So someone like me or my room mate who are Male To Female would have been decapitated as men, and someone who is Female To Male would have been immune from the death penalty, because society still considered them female in France.

This wouldn't burn quite so much, if it weren't for the fact that (though born in the United States) I came very close to being a Borgia myself if not for the fact that I locked myself in my room all the time, in order to protect myself from my abusive parents.

Knowing this, I feel the burn. Either way you cut it, executing or not executing people using a generally primitive execution method (compared to gas chamber) is a really fucking awful way to treat your minority population.

That's ignoring that fact I'm against the death penalty anyway.

Even somehow France decided to change and not be trans phobic, there is still that history I'm not sure I can totally forgive.

Oh and what's wild is it's supposedly a very LGBT friendly country in general. Yea executing Trans women as men is so friendly.

How Close I Came To Borgia

Now with a new context called How Close I Came To Borgia.

Me, Serial Killers, And Science Fiction

I used to have a lot more blatant serial killers in my fiction, though I had not always depicted them as French (as in France) and female. In some of my earliest work I would be a lone detective solving the mysteries of what I term "the survival horror murders."

This would evolve into the short story Vigini Unc (or latin for Twenty Hooks), that was one of my earliest short stories.

I used to exclusively read about serial killers, and serial killers were kind of my go to topic before dystopian fiction.

The transition was slow at first, but with my current book Hemato Tomato, it circles back around to a dystopia about falling in love with, rather than investigating a French murderess killer.

Now that I've given up Cyberpunk, I'm going to focus exclusively writing about kink, and that's romance novels about female gendered French murderesses. That's murderesses in France.

On P.L. Travers

She was one of the first bad girls I read the biography of. If you didn't know, she wrote the Mary Poppins novels. Obviously I'd never consider killing her, if for now other reason than those books would have been written.

But I went through the entire Saving Mr. Banks in buckets of tears. That was one depressing movie. Not a positive Disney depiction.

I feel like I'm influence by Travers in some way that's hard to articulate. I hate originally hated the movie, but when reading her biography she was more similar to me than I would have otherwise thought.

Ah now crushing on Anna-Marie Boeglin. Yea as you can see some writers go their whole lives being depressed.

Psychiatric meds don't help that depression.

Why I Execute Characters

Like I said, my kinks are really just that.

As far as my novels, I'm actually extremely soft hearted, it's just that nobody ever sees that. I may be numbed a little bit by my abuse my parents and society did to me, but they are there.

I have a fascination for French murderesses, because I'm against the death penalty in real life. I find that the best way to illustrate that point is building characters you like around that context, and see whether you would actually be against it when you're right there.

I want to build the broken bird. I want to get to know her, to find that little girl inside her that was lost all those years ago. I want to bring that light to the surface.

Be a therapist for my MCs, then kill them. So I can truly understand the gravity of executing someone I like. It isn't just I have a kink for beheading French girls in fiction, I also have an emotional incentive to feel like I've lost a friend.

To know that I really care. When you doubt your own faculties for so long, sometimes that's the only social life you'll get.

French as in France, not French as in linguistics.

Anarcho Punk?

Looking back on it I'm not entirely sure why I got into Punk rock. Well obviously I needed something other than country music and classical my family stuffed me with growing up.

Unfortunately that means writing folk-influenced anarcho-punk poetry sometimes.

Body Language In Communication

Body language can have you tell as much about what's going on than language, this is why wordless graphic novels (graphic novels being what I read first before novels) allows you to read body language to read the situation.

For example even if you were US Scottish Irish like myself, (Fun fact, Scotland and Ireland had their own beheading machines) and you were dating a say a Dutch, German, Japanese, or French girl than you can still fairly clearly definitively if the girl likes you.

Obviously her pushes you down on the bed, and blowing you is an obvious sign. But there are also more subtle signs as well based on each person.

Hematolagna Of Hemato

That's the origin of the name, that's what she got from friends in high school when they noticed she liked blood. The nick name stuck. Hematolagna is essentially sexual interest in blood.

Hemato Tomato literally translated means Blood Tomato. Kind of silly.

Maugarite And Julien

Wait a minute, beheading for incest? Is that where Christianity has taken us? This is why religion needs to stop.

Besides anime brother and sister is goddamn kinky bitch.

Hello, I'm a Satanist of TST.

Heads up, there is the incest police!

But none of that?

Tokyo fashion girls look great in birkenstocks. It's part of what started my whole "ugly clog" thing. Why isn't there more of this?

Even youtube videos have have to style birkenstocks. They prove once again even "ugly clogs" and "ugly sandals" can look really kinky on the right person. I mean obviously you don't want grandma in birkenstocks. But the issue there is less birkenstock and more YOUR GODDAMN GRANDMA.

Obviously they aren't required, otherwise why would I dig French Murderesses? But they can look great.

Maybe that's what it is,

Even in grade school I always liked the bad girls that wore black leather jackets, as I always wondered what horrifying secret were they hiding about their past. My attraction to them being similar to the way in straight romance the woman likes the dark and sinister man.

Well for French murderesses, their heads rolling on the road rolling, rolling, rolling across the sand, grass, ocean, new york city, to NashChat is a little bit kinky too.

I don't advocate that, but it's a little kinky.

New Poem

As one longs for non-existence,

One in the house sees only strangers there.

Along the walls of people you don’t know,

There are aliens in existence.

Not the aliens from far beyond,

But the stranger that raises their kids,

And calls your inner mind home.

Because that kid said leave me alone.

Beyond the dreamer’s edge,

One dreams of fairies and rainbows,

Longing to show them ancient toys.

Yet often waking, one finds no further joys.

The world is a scary place,

One grows early wrinkles on the face.

Worrying about some person knocking on the door.

Something Always On My Mind

What if someone like me actually really managed to get time travel technology to meet some of these French Borgia? At the time they mainly poisoned, although some stabbed.

I'm uncertain if the older male Borgias are cute, as I generally think of myself as being a lesbian. But in Anime I've meet some pretty pretty men. I still wouldn't cut their heads off, but very pretty.

Well I wouldn't cut anyone's head off, that's the state's job. If you live in such a backwards country.

I always have this urge of wanting to go back to try to "fix them." Not rescue them necessarily (I don't believe in that.) But I want to fix them, and make them less ... tragically broken.

Maybe its a pipe dream.

Between Middle Grade And New Adult

I've never been absolutely certain what I write, I always dreamed of becoming a children's fantasy writer, although lately as I've become more cynical about fantasy I've kind of given up.

A lot the reason I don't is I write to tragedies. Maybe even utilizes post romance elements in even kid versions of French murderesses. Of course obviously it would be called murder in the book.

But young Borgias would make some weird middle grade. I wonder what they dreamed about at night.

I came just on the edge of becoming one myself, that's partly why I feel empathy for Boeglin. I think the only reason I didn't go down that route is I was so busy locking myself in my room, and mostly reading and writing. But I was always worried for years my interest in blood would turn out to be something worse. Without going into further detail, I managed to avoid it. But like I said, I have some really big mommy issues.

Oh fun fact, there was a younger female Borgia at an earlier time than Boeglin who actually was actually guillotined. Might be my next book, or I might leave that to something else.

I might add to much fantasy and sf elements.

I'm really wanting to write other Hemato Tomato stories though. Like a really young middle grade Hemato Tomato and Anna-Marie during their middle grade years before meeting.

That would be amazingly bleak.